Welcome to My Happy Ending
by Gigabomb
Summary: AU, futurefic, featuring the sannin and several other people. Multiple pairings. Orochimaru attends a wedding.


Author's Note: This is a drabble I wrote that grew to monstrous proportions, though I don't regret it. The first half is a grammatical nightmare, but it's me writing at my most inspired, so the crackiness doesn't bother me too much.

Orochimaru watched sourly as yet another well-wisher stood up to give the bride and groom their blessings. The reception had already dragged on two hours and the newlyweds still hadn't run out of people who wanted to tell them how happy they were for them and how they just knew the couple would prosper (manage not to kill each other) and have lots of children (brats) and live to old age where the bride could plant flowers in her garden (never mind she didn't care much for flowers) and the groom could fix the porch and help around the house (ignoring the fact that he hated cleaning and they would probably end up hiring a maid). By the looks on their faces, the two shinobi in question weren't enjoying the speeches much more than he was, what with the way Sakura's pleasant smile was growing strained around the edges and Sasuke's eyes had narrowed into their habitual glare after the initial euphoria of the happy occasion had worn off and he realized he had been listening to people he barely knew dictate at length how the rest of his life was going to go, while all he wanted to scream at them after the thirtieth address was that he hadn't even listened to his brother about his destined future, so why the hell did they think he gave a damn about their opinions?

Orochimaru felt no sympathy. He had told the boy from the start that this whole marriage thing was just a terrible idea and how did he plan to ever get ahead in his training if he let a woman take up the majority of his time, but all Sasuke had done in response was roll his eyes and tell him he was one to talk. The stupid brat. Orochimaru had fully planned to toss the invitation the couple (Sakura, really, because Sasuke knew him well enough to know inviting him to their wedding was just a bad idea no matter how you looked at it) had sent him in the trash, but Tsunade had spotted it lying with the rest of his mail and given him the executive order to attend, because even you aren't such a jackass that you'd miss the happiest day of your protégé's life, Orochimaru, and it isn't going to be that bad. After the initial irritation (the wedding ceremony), for about half an hour there Orochimaru had almost been willing to admit his former teammate had a point.

There had been several incidents that had brought him a certain amount of amusement, such as when the best man (Naruto, Jiraiya's annoying student of several years) tried to give the patented best man speech while drunk and had fallen face first into his dinner after talking for five minutes about how the Sasuke-bastard really didn't deserve Sakura-chan, and if he ever made her cry Naruto was going to pound him into the ground, and that was a promise damn it, but may they be happy until then. There had also been the little episode with Kakashi-kun, Gai-kun, and the punch bowl which someone had spiked (that someone being Orochimaru himself, who had not wanted to go through the entire ordeal sober and wine just didn't have high enough alcohol content for his purposes), and while it was unfortunate (really a complete nightmare, because Orochimaru hadn't thought to bring extra vodka) that the punch bowl was now rather empty, seeing the two attempt to out-do each other (Kakashi for once participating whole-heartedly) at karaoke had not only proved that intoxicants could make any occasion enjoyable, but also almost made the loss of his own alcoholic beverage bearable. Almost. But nothing was really worth listening to some random chuunin (one of Tsunade's assistants, actually, but Orochimaru had never cared enough to learn his name) extol the bride's talents at the gambling tables (even if Tsunade had forced upon the girl some of her bad habits, the bad luck had fortunately not been similarly inherited), so it didn't take long for Orochimaru to add that particular speech to his list of Why It Would Be A Good Idea To Skip Town And Never Return, Because Just Then Suicide Was Looking Far Too Attractive. It was just then that one of the reasons on his other list (this one created to counter the first and appropriately labeled Why I Should Sit Through This And Try To Avoid An Insanity-Induced Massacre) situated himself in the seat next to Orochimaru and leaned over into the snake sannin's personal space to comment, rather too loudly for courtesy's sake, that, "Man, could this be any more boring? If this goes on any longer, I think I'm going to fall into a coma and die."

While he couldn't help but notice Jiraiya was being rather uncouth, Orochimaru had to admit to himself that situating himself face down on the table with his head cushioned by his arms in an attempt to drown out some of the idiocy also wasn't exactly the epitome of manners. Still… "Stop whining, Jiraiya. Everyone else has to sit through this too." ((Including me.))

Jiraiya, not put off at all, just grinned. "Well, yeah, but it occurs to me that I am in a singular position to do something about our respective misery." It was with that that the toad sannin pushed himself to his feet and clapped his hands once loudly. The chuunin who had previously spoken so highly of Sakura's skill at craps (and was now onto the flawlessness of her poker face) trailed off, and the room quieted. Once he was sure he had everyone's attention, Jiraiya said in booming tones, "I think everyone here can agree that we're sick of speeches, so everyone stop talking and someone start up the music so we can get the real party started!" Cheers would have been inappropriate for the occasion, but the round of applause that followed Jiraiya's pronouncement (accompanied by a whoop from the youngest Inuzuka boy and some whistles coming rather suspiciously from the direction of the Hokage's table) was close enough.

Orochimaru glanced at his old teammate, one eyebrow raised, as the toad sannin settled back onto his chair with a satisfied grin. "Jiraiya, how is it that you were in a singular position to tell everyone to shut up?"

Jiraiya shrugged. "I'm the highest ranking shinobi here with absolutely no reason to avoid pissing people off. If a couple ambassadors' feathers get ruffled, you and Tsunade can do your usual 'oh, that Jiraiya, he's gotten rather senile over the years, doesn't really know what he's doing anymore, ignore him' routine and everything will be fine. By the way," and it was at this point that Jiraiya's smile turned sly, "You're welcome."

"I'm not thanking you."

"I know, but admit it, you're thankful. Even from where I was sitting, you looked ready to either fall asleep or strangle someone." For a moment, Jiraiya looked thoughtful. "Hey, maybe it's Tsunade who should be thanking me instead. I probably just staved off a national incident by keeping her head ass-kisser from going berserk and murdering everyone within a mile's radius."

"Director of Konoha's diplomatic corps," Orochimaru corrected him wearily, not really expecting Jiraiya to listen. The toad sannin had insisted calling the position by what he termed 'its most accurate definition' ever since Orochimaru had accepted the post six years ago and hadn't shown any signs of tiring of the crude nickname.

And as he was most of the time, Orochimaru was right, as all Jiraiya did was shrug in response and mutter, "Whatever, ass-kisser." You'd think at the age of sixty the white-haired shinobi would have tired of such childishness, but no. Not Jiraiya. Most likely never Jiraiya. If Jiraiya actually decided one day to finally grow up, the world would probably end.

The toad sannin's attention had already been pulled away from his former teammate towards the dance floor, where the happy couple was currently engaged in the first dance of their marriage, Sakura practically radiating bliss. Even Sasuke seemed content, a state Orochimaru had only seen the Uchiha in before when he was training, and then only when the exercises were at their most intense. The black-haired jounin's eyes looked down upon his bride, softened in a way Orochimaru was sure he had never seen before. In short, the scene was so far off the sap meter that the slow romantic music playing in the background barely added a tenth of a point to Orochimaru's general feelings of disgust for the whole occasion. His teammates, of course, loved it. Orochimaru watched as Tsunade's eyes misted up across the room and knew she was thinking of Dan, and next to him Jiraiya's expression turned nostalgic right before he turned back to Orochimaru and said in a voice dripping with treasured memories, "Brings you back, doesn't it, Orochimaru?"

Orochimaru shot the toad sannin a look of complete incredulousness. "Brings me back to what? This is the first wedding I've ever attended in my life." ((Because Tsunade never had the power before to force me to come to one, and Sarutobi-sensei could never care less about the finer details of my social life, thank God.))

Jiraiya waved his hands around in what he probably thought was an expressive manner. "Not the occasion, the mood. Young love. Acknowledgement of each other's feelings. All that stuff. It brings me back."

Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "Jiraiya, the first time you asked me out was approximately five minutes after you broke my jaw. I doubt Sasuke-kun ever did something so drastic to make Sakura aware of his feelings."

One side of Jiraiya's mouth quirked in amusement. "Yeah, in retrospect that wasn't such a good idea. We weren't able to kiss for weeks, which just ruined most of my plans, I can tell you."

Orochimaru's attention was jerked back to his apprentice when the Sakura whispered something in Sasuke's ear, making the Uchiha smile. The snake sannin didn't bother holding back a sigh, making Jiraiya shoot him an enquiring glance. "What is it?"

"This is going to greatly hold back Sasuke-kun's training. It's depressing. All that chakra control we've been working on for the past several weeks, completely wasted because my idiotic student decided to disrupt his lessons by getting married."

If he'd been talking to Tsunade, this would have been the point in their conversation where she started to lecture him about how shinobi were people and well as warriors and to expect for Sasuke to forget about having a life was completely ridiculous, no matter how focused the boy was on perfecting his skills, but this was Jiraiya, and all he did was shrug. "Well, if Sakura had her way, yeah, it might be a month or two before Sasuke returned to his usual training schedule, but if I know Uchiha, it'll only be two or three days tops before he comes barging into your office demanding you teach him some new, obscure technique that's been out of use for one hundred years, like he always does when you're in the middle of some paperwork Tsunade foisted on you. I don't think you have much to worry about. That kid is almost as obsessive about learning new jutsus as you. Marital bliss won't distract him for long, no matter how much he loves that girl."

Orochimaru wasn't really all that convinced, if only because his own experiences had taught him that the glow of a happy relationship could be distracting for weeks on end, and _his_ lover was loud, stupid and annoying. Considering Sakura possessed none of those unfavorable traits (except on occasion the last), Orochimaru knew he'd consider himself fortunate if his apprentice returned to the training grounds within the next month. Sometimes he wondered why he'd bothered taking another student. After dealing with Anko for ten years (ten years which had completely destroyed what was left of the snake sannin's patience and most of his sanity), what had possessed him to train up yet another brat? True, Sasuke didn't have many of the personality quirks that had made teaching Anko so difficult (loud, short attention span, female), but he had a host of other problems, like that unhealthy obsession with his brother that had taken Orochimaru years to beat out of him, as well as an unfortunate tendency to be in self-denial about eighty percent of his waking hours, which just didn't work when self-knowledge was a major component of learning how to be a great shinobi.

Even with all the boy's talent, Orochimaru was fairly sure that if he hadn't gotten to the Uchiha young, Sasuke would have turned out purely mediocre as opposed to the brilliant strategist and fighter he was today. And then he _still_ would have tried to kill Itachi, prepared or no, and it would have been at that point, not fourteen years ago, that the end of the Uchiha clan would have been at hand, because though Orochimaru had run into the elder Uchiha a total of once after the Akatsuki member hit puberty, he could spot a homosexual at thirty paces, though this time his sixth sense had been helped along by the fact their encounter had taken place in some gay bar in the middle of some nowhere town Jiraiya had dragged him to on the pretext of 'loosening up.' Watching the Uchiha make out with a man with bright blue hair for thirty minutes out of the corner of his eye had fortified Orochimaru's suspicions that there would be no heirs coming from that particular genius, but to say the least, that had been one evening Orochimaru had sworn Jiraiya to secrecy about, because Itachi hadn't bothered showing his face in Konoha since the massacre, and was it really worth antagonizing the mangekyou Sharingan user by sending several ANBU squads after him? Both he and Jiraiya knew this excuse was only a pretext, but neither wanted to send the other Uchiha running off to commit not-so-indirect suicide if there became a leak in Konoha's intelligence bureau.

Most of the time, life was needlessly complicated, which was one of the reasons he hadn't parted ways with Jiraiya years ago after it became apparent that their goals not only followed different paths, but went in completely opposite directions. Jiraiya wasn't simple, per se, not like his current student was, but at least he kept his life simple and extended the same courtesy to his relationship with Orochimaru. Jiraiya wasn't ambitious, though he had been once. Orochimaru didn't know whether this was because the toad sannin had run out of dreams or they had all been fulfilled, but most of the time the white-haired shinobi was content to lounge around Konoha, writing novels (though Jiraiya still occasionally contributed another book to the Icha Icha series, he had since moved on to a more sincere form of romance after his fame had grown enough that publishers were vying for the rights to his books, no matter what genre they were) in cafes and completing the occasional S-class mission Tsunade threw his way. To quote the toad sannin directly, he was retired and had no desire to make a comeback. Jiraiya had told Orochimaru on many occasions that though Sarutobi-sensei would undoubtedly be mostly omitting Jiraiya from his bragging up in heaven about his former students, the old coot would find a certain amount of amusement in Jiraiya's chosen occupation, because while Orochimaru and Tsunade certainly were more upstanding citizens in society, it was Jiraiya in fact, though not in name, that had inherited the Sandaime's true legacy and passed it on from student to student. Personally, Orochimaru didn't think five generations of lechers (soon to become six, if that one black-haired boy in Naruto's genin cell with five sisters was anything to go by) wasn't something to be especially proud of, but Jiraiya was strange that way.

Sitting at a table in the far left corner, Naruto had apparently been revived from his drunken stupor and was currently chatting up some chuunin kunoichi in her late teens, leaning in closely to say something in a low voice that made the girl giggle. A legacy indeed.

Next to him, Jiraiya was starting to look a little bored. "Hey, Orochimaru, I'm going to go ask Tsunade to dance." The toad sannin grinned as he said this. "Unless, of course, you want to instead."

The snake sannin waved a dismissive hand. "I have no desire to dance with Tsunade. Go ahead, if you don't mind getting your feet stomped on."

Jiraiya snorted. "I wasn't asking if you wanted to ask Tsunade to dance, I was asking if you wanted to dance with- when did you ever dance with Tsunade?"

"Five months ago in Kumogakure. A lower daimyo kept pestering Tsunade, so to avoid being rude she had to find a dance partner with a higher rank than the daimyo." Orochimaru grimaced. "Guess who was the only man there with a high position that she could still boss around."

Jiraiya winced in sympathy. "Executive order?"

Orochimaru nodded grimly. "Executive order."

The toad sannin shook his head pityingly. "Damn, there should be a limit on the number of times she can use that."

"Therein lies the flaw with giving the Hokage unrestricted authority."

From across the room came the sound of raucous singing as Tsunade started in on a rather crude jounin ditty that had lost popularity thirty years ago, the accompaniment being the voice of Tsunade's head assistant, Shizune, trying to calm the Godaime down before anyone noticed, _please _Hokage-sama, the representative from Suna hasn't left yet and you know how uptight he is. As could be expected, Tsunade didn't listen. Jiraiya sighed. "Looks like Tsunade found the wine."

"Mm hm."

"Seems I won't be dancing with her after all."

Orochimaru shrugged. "Feel fortunate. She broke my toe last time."

"That would explain the limp when you got back. But why didn't Tsunade heal it?"

"Said I deserved the pain for criticizing the way she waltzed."

"Bitch."

"You state the obvious."

For several minutes, the two sannin watched Sasuke and Sakura walk towards the food, Sasuke (rather uncharacteristically) acting the part of the gentleman and filling his bride's plate for her. Orochimaru, feeling slightly sick at the sappiness of it all, began to wonder if this was an appropriate time to leave, but before he could decide if Tsunade would punish him retroactively for walking out early after she got over her hangover, Jiraiya tapped him on the shoulder. The snake sannin turned towards his lover, feeling irritated. "What?"

"So, do you want to dance or what?"

"No."

There was very little more pathetic than the sight of a sixty year old man trying to pout. "Why not?"

"I hate dancing, you're not very good at it, the ambassador from Sunagakure is a religious prude who would probably try to break off our trade negotiations if he found out I was gay, and most importantly, I want to make my exit as soon as physically possible."

Jiraiya's look turned thoughtful. "So I take it you're not going to change your mind."

Orochimaru rolled his eyes. "Of course not."

"Fine then. I'm coming with you."

"No, you're not."

"Yes, I am. How can I possibly enjoy myself if I have no one to argue with? Tsunade is already too sloshed to be any fun, and most of the brats here have bought too much into the 'Three Legendary Shinobi' shit for them to provide me with any entertainment at all."

Orochimaru sighed, not really in the mood to argue with the idiot. "Do what you want." He stood up and started walking towards the double doors, Jiraiya close behind. It was halfway across the floor that Sakura noticed their departure and waved. "Thank you for coming, Orochimaru-sama, Jiraiya-sama! I'll write you both when we get to the cottage!"

Orochimaru ignored the girl, though Jiraiya sent an answering wave. It was immediately before the doors closed behind him that Orochimaru heard his student's response to his new wife's proclamation. "Are you insane, Sakura? We are not sending letters on our honeymoon!"

"But Sasuke…"

Orochimaru felt a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. The first argument of a new marriage. Now that was something special to see.

"Hey, Orochimaru."

Orochimaru turned his head to glare at Jiraiya, his temporarily good mood forgotten. "What is it now, Jiraiya?"

The toad sannin's response was to shove Orochimaru against the outside wall of the reception hall and kiss him fiercely. By the time Jiraiya was finished, neither of their kimonos were looking as pressed as they had several minutes ago. Orochimaru's glare hadn't left his face during Jiraiya's rather enthusiastic hurrah to freedom, though it had softened just a tad. "What was that for?"

Jiraiya grinned. "We've just escaped from certain death. What better reason is there?"

Orochimaru blinked. "I'm fairly sure boredom can't kill you, Jiraiya."

"No, but Tsunade could. Didn't you notice her starting an argument with Hyuuga Hiashi as we walked out? Now that's one fight I'm glad we avoided."

Orochimaru thought about it. "Good point." For a moment, they stood there in silence, Orochimaru realizing he hadn't really planned beyond their departure. "So what do you think we should do now?"

Sarutobi-sensei may have invented the lecherous smile, but Jiraiya had been the one to perfect it. "Well… I do have some whipped cream and pickles at home. It would be a pity to let them go to waste."

Sometimes Orochimaru wondered what his life would be like if Jiraiya hadn't persuaded him to stay in Konoha, all those years ago. Sometimes. But not too often. Orochimaru had never been too good at regrets.


End file.
